Monday, 10 December 2012

A Proof of Concept.

I awoke in the early afternoon.
to the sound of fighting outside in the snow.
Two men arguing over who should be partnered up.
Then punches got thrown.

I looked at them, 
looked at West.
We both walked through the gathering crowd.

I stepped between them.
I told them that there are no partners.
No secrets.

Someone screamed why they thought I should be in charge.
After what happened with Duckie.
After I killed someone who was close to all of us.

One of them draws a knife to stab me.
I kill him.
I said I felt stronger now.
I have told them all before.

I say that I will free them.
And I will do that.
But is not a democracy.
It is my way or the road.

No more half measures.
No more assassination attempts.
Theta, either come and face me.
Or we will come and find you.

Thursday, 6 December 2012

A Little to Report

We keep moving.
We keep fighting.
I understand though.
He has control of the loop.

We can just wait until he runs out of mooks.
Or those mooks decide to join us.
Any war is one of attrition.
That is what this is.

I am being melodramatic.

No... No I am not.

None of what happened before has happened.
I have been coping otherwise.
I still cannot focus on the thing I call "blur."
I am uncertain if it is fear of pain or a physical limitation that stops me.

Salome taught me with knives.
The trick being to cut them many times.
Then go for the killing blow when they cannot resist.

It is odd not ignoring that and going for the quickest option.
A quick death feels more humane.
Though the idea of being humane does not fit with this.
It is not one person, but an order we must kill...

If duc


Wednesday, 7 November 2012

An Absence

I fell asleep.
I went crazy
and violent
and then I fell asleep.

At least that is what McKay tells me.

Every time they moved.
I would start murmuring something.
And then I would sleep again.

"Ember. I love you Ember."

Not Duckie's voice.
Someone elses.

Too much to think about.

He told me.
That was my last memory.
He told me I was Ember from the past.
He told me he was Jules.

Jules Chenier.
He gave me one last letter.

Then I killed him.
He asked me to kill him.
Why did I kill him?

I feel stronger now.

Thursday, 11 October 2012

A kitten.

West does not wish me to tell you this.
But he has a weakness for cute animals it seems.
A few days ago I heard a mewing from the alleyway.
And there it was, a kitten.

A white and ginger ball of fluff.
Maybe two months old?

West took it in,
looked after it.
I do not think it likes me.
It scratched me.

So we have a pet.

I call it cat.
West calls it...
I do not recall what West calls it.
He calls it something else anyway.

I do not like cats much.
They play with their food.
I prefer animals that go for the throat.
A quick death is better than a laboured one.


Also I was attacked
when I found the kitten.
Tore the stitches in my belly.

I do not recognise the attacker.
It was someone new,
maybe someone who thought
that a kitten is a perfect trap.

And it was a very good one.

We have moved on now.

Monday, 1 October 2012

A loss

I have been through a lot.
I have killed to survive.
I have killed for others.
I have killed for myself.

Tau came here.
Met us.
He looks ancient.
He is balding, weakened greatly.

It is like he is withering away since he left the office.

I have to help him stand.
I asked him why he sent the letters.
That was what West told me.

He knew.

Tau said "To get you to know you."

A killer. To get me to know a killer.

I asked him who was Jules.
But he would not answer.

Whilst I was asleep,
my duckling had gone off.
He was attempting to kill the highest.

He succeeded and he paid for it.
He paid for it with his life.

It is amusing.
Our plans are somewhat the same.
Only our outcomes will be so different.
They must.

I do not wish to die.
But serving the blur gives only one end.
I... It is getting less difficult.
I sometimes hear it said.

Normally it is garbled,
but if I listen hard.
Sometimes they say "Sle

West here, we were downstairs when Ember just screamed like a fucking howler monkey, went foetal on the bed and passed out. McKay can't explain it. We talk about... Upper Management in a different name and Ember suddenly looks distracted. Calls it a humming in his ear, like a fly bouncing around in your brain.

I don't think it is safe for Ember to use that name. Tau said it happened last time.

Gotta go, Tau's calling a meeting. I'm not giving numbers, but more come each day.

None of us want to kill any more. None of us want to place our partner's ashes with the thousands that lie there already.

Monday, 17 September 2012

Ember's stable. McKay, he chose the new name so we can call him something, fixed the kid up. Apparently he keeps holy water and prayer and shit like that for instances like Ember's wound. Still no news on Tau.


Thursday, 13 September 2012

I don't like this blog but I figured you'd all want to know. Ember went to sleep the night of the last post and then never woke up. Ember had been fucking hiding the infection from me, by the time we found out, Ember was feverish and the wound was covered in this black gunky stuff.

Yeah... This isn't the kind of infection we were treating Ember for. You know, the normal kind... In fact it's kind of a surprise that the kid didn't get infected since before now. Though I suppose the constant resets The Office gave helped with that.

I can't tell you where we are, or even who we're with. Because that could be used to track us.

Ember will be fine and apart from Penny's stab wound, the others are healing well enough.

Now, onto the second order of business or whatever the fuck it is.

In regards to Ember's little comment about normality last post having people talk in the comments about it.

I can't speak for Ember but I can speak for myself. My parents were killed by this Order and they gave them me to look after.

I didn't have to kill. I had another choice. I could die as originally planned. Ember and I have more things in common than I'd like to admit. Every kill I did, every person I took out of normality and showed them what it was like to have their neck broken. I told myself that it was different. I was killing to survive.

I never wanted it though, I had the same fucking thoughts as Ember. Looking a third option. One that stopped me killing, and moved the fucking gun away from my head.

I've seen people die who made the same promises as Ember, but with Tau on our side. With Ember still alive. I'm gonna bet my life with them. Even if it's a slim fucking chance and a stupid idea now. I made my move. I aint gonna be taken back.


Tuesday, 11 September 2012

A cell.

You know...
I wonder what normality would be like.

Normal friends.
Normal family.
Normal relationships.
Normal life.

Even wondering about it feels so...
So alien.
Like I am staring through a looking glass.
People who don't know how close to death they are.

People who think they are invincible.

West and I talked a little.
Back when we were training.
We talked about roles.

Pawns, Queens, Kings.

Once, when Penny was messing with me.
She called me a pawn,
one move away from the other side.

That is me.
I cannot afford to look back.
Only forwards.

My leg is infected.
We got to the cell.
I am on some kind of tablets.

They make me throw up.
I shall sleep again now.


Wednesday, 5 September 2012

A failed goodbye

Half an hour after the events in the last post,
I was trying to visit Duckling.
My Duckling.
You could guess how it went...

West argued against it but I screamed at him.
I needed to see him one time before I left.
I needed to tell him it was going to be okay.
Even if it was not.

I walked into the hallway,
and Trent was there...
He stabbed me with a spear.

That bastard Fracture.
He stood over me.
"It's over, Ember."

It will be over when I am dead.
I would not accept it.
It was then that West pushed Fracture to the side...
They fought.

It all went so fast.
Tugging the spear out.
Opening Duckling's door.
Seeing a bomb on the bed.

Twisting to run.

It was like...
A deep thud against your chest,
then your ears hurt and
then it all sounded like bells in my ear.

Never stopping.
Drowning out everything.

I had managed to get out of the doorway in time.

Then West was pulling me out of the building down the fire escape.
I'd managed to get to my feet.
I could feel the occasional clang.
I suppose they were bullets.

Then we made it to the car.
We stayed in a motel for a couple of days.

Let me get my hearing back to a degree.
Now we are travelling.
We are travelling a long way.
Everything still hurts.

But I am getting better.

I need to get better.

Sunday, 2 September 2012

A blur

This shake...
I cannot be rid of it.
Every time I try and stand,
my knee keeps shaking and I fall.

West resolved to let me use him as a crutch.
At least until we can get either decent painkillers
or a real one.

I could walk when the pain was too great,
the adrenaline coursed through me like...
Like fire.
The day after the kill.

Now I'm helpless.


Everything went wrong apart from the fact Smith was dead.

I knew it would be difficult.
Me against his bodyguards.
Maybe the need to incapacitate
one of my teams.

This one did not need to be secret.
Not for long anyway.
Tau told me it would save lives.
And I understood it.

I asked West to help.
When he found out...
He said he would keep me alive,
but he would not kill them.

He said that was my calling.

He was tired of following orders.
I understood that much.
I am tired of it too.
Having no other choice.

I was stupid.

Since the last one.
Smith had been locked up in his office.
There were men checking identities.
Stood in front of the access elevator.

West stayed at the elevator,
I went up saying I had information on the assassin.
I remembered the meeting room.
His office.

I silently ran through the times.

Two seconds for the elevator doors to open.
Fifteen to cross the hall.
Three to draw and shoot the bodyguards.
Thirty to stab Smith and escape into the elevator again.

The first thing I knew as the doors opened was a bullet grazing my left arm.
I will skip the blow by blow...
By the time Smith was dead,
my arm was bleeding and I had a gash along my side.

As I turned to leave.
Penny stood in the door.
The blur was there.
Right behind her.

I could not think straight.
Something burned inside me.
She stabbed my calf with a kitchen knife.
I broke her neck and then...

Then I woke up in the back seat of West's car.
I had been gone for thirty minutes.


The pain is back.
I have more to say though.
Another time.
We have to keep moving.

Saturday, 25 August 2012

I suppose I should have known this would happen.

All phones disconnected.
All contact lost.

The loop.

The loop is gone.

Penny is dead.
I killed her.
West and I.
We will try and make contact with another cell.

London Bridge is falling dstopitstopitstopit

I am Ember Fay
I am injured and partially deaf right now.
West told me something important.
Something that I should have known.

All I wanted was to keep my friends safe.
I did not want to start this.
I need to talk to Tau.

I hope he made it out in time.

My Duckie.

I know you probably hate me.
But when you and I killed The Fat Controller,
I knew you, like we had met properly.
down falling down falling donotwishtothinkaboutit For the f1rst time that evening:

I will 3xplain everything.
I will.
I promise.

Fracture is a h0rrible person.

Tuesday, 21 August 2012

A Tutor

I visited Salome again a couple of days back.
The second time since I placed her urn.

There is a tradition in our Order.
You only visit a person twice.
Once when you place them there.
And again, once you have made something of yourself.

To show the dead that their sacrifice was not in vain.

And I have...
I have changed.

It is like I am half a person.
This other half wants to kill.
I do not.
I deeply do not.

I caught a glimpse of this side last New Year.
Salome had told me not to think, just act.
It was like my body knew what to do.
But soon it was not just my body.

It was like a part of me had been separated,
and I did not want to have it back.

But it helped.
This... Persona I could adopt.
It helped me kill.

Swan called the half Salome,
when he discovered it.

Bringer of peace.
I did not like it,
it disrespected her.

But this other loved it.

I killed with him.
I hunted.
I cut that man so many times.

I hate it,
I hate it to the point that the house seems bearable.
But I am here...

Normally I can control it...
But what if I just decide to give up?
What if I allowed Duckie's Salome to become me?
Who would be the first to die?

The man who must die,
Or me?

I am about to do something I want.
To maybe save some lives.

Why am I scared?

Thursday, 16 August 2012

A location.

Well, we found him.
We found Swan.
He looked half dead when I saw him,
all wrapped up in a suit.

I was so worried.
First the posts about him losing sleep...
He called me... A part of me anyway...

Then he just vanished.
I tried to find him,
with the help of Firecracker.

She is a skilled tracker,
even if she wants to kill him.

We spent days looking for him
until we received a tip...
I do not know how they knew my number.
But it was accurate.

She beat me there
but she didn't hurt him...
I called West and we took him back.

He woke up again a day later.
Like he had not been sleeping.
Not since before he had vanished anyway...

I'm staying to make sure he will be okay.
Also West had calamari dumped on his head.

Tuesday, 7 August 2012

The Red One's Letter

Just so you know.
This post is on a timer.
I am currently on a search for Duckie and... Well.

I... I do not know why.

I suppose it was to say that if I was not back now,
West should probably panic 
or call me
or something.

A while back now.
I said I would type up Lucky's Letter.
I then promptly forgot about it
I do not know why, but I took the letters with me.

The letters I have left anyway.
Then I came across it, bloodstained.
There was no date upon this letter.
But I assume it is a couple of months after the last.

Maybe January or February, 1889. 
Those dates feel significant.
I do not know why.

Here it is: 

"Dear Ember Fay,

I want to tell you something, please, promise me you will not come and visit me. I also request that you do not call me worthy of Bedlam. What I am telling you is in the deepest confidence.

I saw a man the other day, a tall man, he was stood outside my window like a spectre, or a thief. When I looked to it, I stood, grasped my cane and moved to face him. "A common Thief. Or a joke taken too far!" I can hear you cry out. You remember my abode, a room above a bakers shop. They feel so safe with a Policeman in tenancy.

There was no ladder when I opened the window to observe his getaway.

I digress, he was <The words are too faded to read.>

This man, whoever he is, he knows about these murders. Or maybe he is the one perpetrating them. Please do not ask me how I know this, or why I do. I feel it from my own personal experience. I only see facts, the idea that he was something <Once again the words are too faded to read> 

It disturbs me deeply.

I will continue the interviews, but please do not expect me to draw blood from a stone, Spring Heeled Jack is incredibly elusive.

I have certain fears for my safety, especially if this man is the Gentleman I am looking for.

Liberté Égalité Fraternité

Jules Chénier"

Friday, 3 August 2012

Radio Silence

I never said how I came to work for this Order. Did I? Never had a mom or dad and was brought up by Tau. He said he was my godfather, but I thought he wanted to have me as his kid.

Then I wised up and realised he just wanted another killer to launch at people he disagreed with. So that's what I gave him.

A few weeks ago now, we were recieving guests. Swan, Ronan and the rapist. All was fine, and then another of our backers was dead. There was a funny joke with him. He called himself "The Controller." But he was so morbidly obese there was genuine fucking concern for doorways. From then on, a load of us killers called him "The Fat Controller." Like in that kids TV show about trains. I can't remember the damn name for the life of me.

He was found in his safehouse, his guards both shot and stabbed. He had been cut open like a pig on his bed. After that, Theta ordered us all to go dark. We got rid of our guests and sealed the loop. Theta would come down fairly regularly, let us know that we were all suspects, and vanish off upstairs. Though I'd guess that upper management disagreed with him...

I'd try and find out what it's about, but isn't my job to understand the upper management I guess. We should get going. Just another fucking job to do.

Isn't it always like that?


Monday, 23 July 2012

A Pocket Watch

It has been a long time since I looked at this blog.
Jessie, one of the team leaders, 
pointed out that perhaps I should talk
now that the blackout is over.

Talk about what has happened lately.

I will not tell you everything.
Too much has happened for one of these posts.
But I will tell you this:

I have been dreaming again.
The man I... 
The man I felt for.
I saw him die.

Walking with a man,
my handler, 
or maybe I am his.

There is more to it though.

I am smiling,
carrying a picnic basket in one hand.
We are in a park.
A group of children sing London Bridge.

I put my head against his shoulder,
I cannot stop smiling.
He seems distant though.
He seems scared.

He tells me he is moving away.
He tells me he is going to discuss things with Mother.
Discuss us and discuss what he found.
I ask him what it is.

He checks his watch
and he stares at me.
He says that we are late for a meeting.
We never have meetings together.

Not with others anyway.

We run for the trees.


He falls.

London bridge is falling down.
Falling down.
Falling down.
London Bridge is falling down.




Friday, 1 June 2012

Another one dead

Well. I said I'd cover for him.

Ember was spending time with Swan, shortly after truck tipping, burning and crashing another into it whilst filled with fireworks. It was most fun I've had in a while, but since Ember got that fucking bird, he's been really distressed.

Tau and I wanted him to keep out of the general hustle and bustle of this place for a while. I took over training and he's been working on building a killhouse on one of the unused floors. You know. Give teams guns or knives, let em at each other in confined spaces.

I recieved a call last night from another of our Backers. He said he was being stalked by someone. Ember's cell was turned off during his little playdate with Swan, so I responded by myself and met up with him in the restroom of a boarded up resteraunt. They all have code names, until they die anyway. I knew him as Scrooge.

His eyes lit up as he saw my face. He was shaken, asked where Ember was. Talking to him, we established he was being followed by some woman, he kept seeing "her" everywhere  Then Ember's creepy little stalker came in... Penny.

He was up on his feet like some scared little rat, keeping me between them. I noticed her "Daddy" wasn't here, or maybe I couldn't see him.

"What are you doing here Penny?"
There was muttering behind me. "It's her! Kill her, kill her."
She had this sweet, innocent smile. Content in her life as her Master's plaything. She tutted. "My fair lady, and I was just looking for you. Tiny Tim was easy to scare into calling you." She had a knife behind her back, judging by the way she held herself.

"You don't hate Ember, but you do not trust her either, do you?"
"Of course I don't hate the kid, but Ember is just so damn stupid sometimes with those morals."
"You don't have morals?" She sighed, tugging out the knife. "And I thought you were like Ember and Salome."

It was then that someone came bursting out from one of the stalls. She let out a scream as she was pulled by the hair. As her head hit the wooden door, she slumped to the ground, bleeding. He wasn't one of ours, no mask I could see, the oversized hood of his jacket covered all but his mouth, like the ghost of fucking christmas future or something. 5'7" or 5'8" perhaps. He had a gun.

"Run Scrooge run." He had a singsong voice, mocking him. Ignoring the terrified whimper at my back,  I drew my gun as he darted out of the restroom. Two shots, I reckon one grazed his leg, judging by the blood trail. But it was too dark to track him, plus Scrooge was with me. His safety was all I cared about at that point.

I escorted Scrooge home, stayed with him until he could get his own personal security with him, and went home. I wish it had helped.

They found Scrooge about ten minutes after I left with his throat slit. His four armed guards were still stood just around the building, two stationed outside his fucking bedroom door. I was called back to help clean up. Called in a team as well, the extra hands were useful in getting rid of evidence leading to us.

It was very early morning when I finally got back. Ember was in bed, painting the wall and pillow with his brains. He doesn't do it that often anymore, just when he needs to dream.

I need to get back to writing this full report rather than the little summary I did here. Times. Dates. Whatever is required. Theta's gonna be pissed at what happened to his eight year old, but I didn't do it so I guess I'll be fine.

For the record though, I do have morals. It's just that they are what Mother tells me they should be.

And Scrooge's full name was Timothy Cratchit, by the way. In case any of you care.

Saturday, 19 May 2012

The Big Red One

Allow me to set the scene.
Flashing lights,
the thud thud thud of the bass
as bodies writhe on the dance floor.

A New York Nightclub.
As much as things have been delaying the search,
I am here to meet someone who knows of him.

Felix Felidae

I see an older man.
Early Forties I think, I could be wrong though.
Stands like a soldier, but weak.
As if he has not eaten in days.

He had sent me an email a little while back.
It had taken until now to get him comfortable enough to meet with me.

"So you decided to come?"
He speaks just loud enough for me to hear him.
"Are you armed?"
I tilt my head. "Of course not."

"If I were to search you, would I find anything?" He eyes me carefully.
Suspicion is everywhere, I should have more of it...
"A phone, a wallet, chewing gum and a piece of string.
Are you worried I am going to kill you?"

He frowns at me.
"Just look, we had a deal.
Just answer my questions about Stone,
and I will tell you about what I know."

"Want to go somewhere quieter?"

"Here is fine."
He has noticed I am uncomfortable.
Despite the noise he is eager to stay and chat.

"Why did you kill him?"
"I did not pull the trigger you know."
"But you may as well have." He seems agitated.

I ask him if he had killed anyone before.
Ask him to understand that I was under orders.
Salome only shot him because I was in danger.

"And your life is worth more than his?"
Shrugging, I look at my beer.
"Wasn't yours when you were in combat?"

"He was my SO during Desert Storm."
He supposes I am too young to know about it.

"He called me lucky, you know?
Took a round to the head.
The helmet stopped it.
Bullets curved around me, like the Matrix."

"Why do you do what you do?
and don't give me that Good Soldier bullshit.
We both know it's not true."

I look away. "It keeps me alive."
He starts "You know it is not the only way."
I almost punch him, but I stay quiet.

He finishes his beer and stands.
"That is all I wanted to know..." He turns to leave.
I stand, moving to stop him.
"What about the information?"

"I want to talk to the Ember that isn't only following orders.
He said you would be like that.
Holding yourself like a soldier when we both know you're nothing but a coward."

"You sicken me."

I let him leave.
I head outside soon after.
He is waiting for me a few blocks away from the office.
A parking lot.

He punches me in the face.
I pull the knife from my coat, my arm against his chest.
I shove him into a parked car.
I press the blade against his throat.

"Tell me what you know." I hiss.
He spits in my face.
I watch as a drop of blood runs down his throat.

I smile.

He gives me a curious expression, causing me to move away.
Just a couple of steps, I do not want to kill him, but I will.
He fishes in his pocket every motion slow,
I keep the knife ready.

"He came to see me. An old man named Felix. He told me to give you this."
He holds it out, a small carved wooden bird.

It sits in the palm of his hand easily,
the details make me
make me

I remember something.
It hurts.
I move to take the object.
He grabs my wrist and pulls me toward him.

It is all so fast.

I push the knife into his belly,
the curve of the blade forces the slice upwards.
I must have done it wrong,
I must have missed his heart.

He staggers back against the car again.
"He promised me an end." He whispers,
the pain is clear in his voice.

I try to make it faster.
Make it end faster.
I shove the sharp point into his neck,
pull back toward me.

Blood covers my black coat,
my face,
my hair
my hands.

I hold him close, shushing him softly.

When he stops breathing, I check his pockets.
I hear something crumpling.
A letter.
I will type it up when I have time.

"Lucky," I do not know your name.
But rest peacefully now.

Tuesday, 8 May 2012

Jack the Ripper

As you probably know,
West and I have been assigned together.
Sometimes, I want to punch him.
Sometimes I want to gut him...

That last post.
I believe I just fell quiet.
I remember blood.
I remember feeling betrayed by him.

London bridge is falling down.
Over and over again.

A while back, I...
I made a promise that I would copy these letters.
Brace yourselves.

"October 1st 1888

Dear Ember.

A double killing, an ear removed from a victim. Just like his letter said. I am sure you have already heard this by the time you read this...

I believe I detest this murderous madman already.

Of course I mean no offence to your own noble efforts in the aid of Mother. My quarrel is with the fact the papers have caught onto such a heinous crime, and such a horrific character. I lied to you when we first met. I knew you were a killer, I told you that I was as well. I have not been forced to use the revolver I bought when I first came to Whitechapel. I have never taken a life.

I have been reassigned to this case, which has allowed me time to look through the previous records of crimes relating to Fairy Fay and John Smith. What disgusts me is what poor records are kept of crimes, I understand the Metropolitan is stressed, but surely some form of order, chronological or alphabetical.

Nontheless, per your orders, I have retrieved files of other witnesses who mention either "The Gentleman" or "Spring Heeled Jack." It is truly shocking how often men and women will mention a gentleman, such a broad word. I have also cross referenced such files with missing persons reports of said witnesses or those who share their surnames.

A task which has taken a great deal of my time, I will have you know.

I enclose a list of names, each of which I shall follow upon.

Please visit again, my friend. I miss the sent of french parfum. Also, keep safe.

Liberté Égalité Fraternité

Jules Chénier

P.S If you are assigned our Ripper, perhaps you could turn him to me. He will surely receive the noose. Ensuring both my goals and your own."

I was wondering when Jack the Ripper would receive a mention... 
Also it seems like Past Ember's giving him orders?
Or is Mother?
I do not know. It is interesting to read though.

This one is undated.

"Ember Fay,

I believe I have ordered you to take time away from the man, that includes not opening any letters you believe to be his. I also know that on the night of October 10th, 1888. You visited him against our explicit orders.

I understand that it may be difficult to distinguish his handwriting, and I understand you find it difficult emotionally, due to certain attentions, but I would not like a soul such as yourself to receive the kind of punishment that men and women like yourself truly do not need.

You will find a knife enclosed, I hope it is to your liking, blades like this will be useful against the common blade, and provided you can evade their own stab, you can bring your mark down easily, stabbing upward through the belly and under their breast. The death will be quicker and more painless. I understand your issues with causing pain to people. Even considering how you comfort those who require it. It is kindness that drives you. Does it not, dear Ember?

As such I believe you will find your next mark particularly difficult. I was debating if I should send you upon this mission, you are so often better suited to killing men who fight back, Not a Lady with child, who's husband needs to understand that we take what we will.

I await confirmation of her demise.


I received the knife I use now with the letter.
Swan has seen it, old, lightly curved.
It feels it, too. 

The handle has rough worn leather.
But it looks well looked after.

Maybe it is the same one Mother sent Past Ember.
We have a small job to do.
I do not really wish to talk to West.
The dying are much better conversationalists.

They understand how precious life is.

Tuesday, 1 May 2012

A lesson in something or other

Mother orders me to train Ember.
I do as I'm told.
Mother tells me to teach Ember to drive.
I do as I'm told.

Mother tells me to keep Ember under guard.
Of course, I do as I'm told.

But being this genderconfused freak's partner? When did Mother even begin to think I'd like it?

Hello. I am West. If Ember's said anything about me, it's a lie.

I know I should be a better person than this, but I really think your dear Ember needs a wake up call as to how to act amongst people.

You see, in a partner I need to know where loyalties lie. Maybe it's with us, or maybe it's with Salome. I mean, I respect her, but who knows what they did together. It could be with David too, I was passing by the room one time after one of their punishments. I could have sworn I'd heard moaning. Or Swan, I mean they did spend the night in a hotel room after all...

Or it could be Tau, or Theta or those runners it keeps sleeping with emailing to, or maybe even that son of a bitch Moriarty.

Speaking of Moriarty...

I'm not the only one who looks at the kid differently after she gets shot in the head and Ember... Ember doesn't even get a bruise. Maybe they were told to leave the kid out of it. And why is that? I wonder... But most of the backers liked the freak, so I cannot really complain too much about it.

Urgh... Zi, I'm supposed to call it "zi."

Ember's always been pretty quiet since I met her. (Zer?) And since that little mess with Swannyboy and one of our backers died, zi has been chattier. About how it kills people, especially teaching the guys. As such zi's not been blogging so much and it looks like it's up to me to blog for our dear Bender. (Get it? It's a pun because Ember's a such fucking robot sometimes. A paranoid android?)

So here you go, your first glance at the poor sod who landed a partner just as likely to slit my throat as fuck me. (Not that I'd ever want to, don't know what kind of runner cooties I'd catch.)

Hey... I feel better now I've vented. I don't talk much in real life, this is pretty sweet. I might make a habit of it.

See you


Wednesday, 25 April 2012

A Dose of Cyanide

I met up with West and the teams. 

It is a horrible smell, that of bitter almonds.
It was not pungent, but you could detect it.
Her face was cherry red, contorted like she was in pain.

A bottle of scotch was resting on the old oak desk,
a glass smashed on the floor by her black heels.
She was at her computer, face against the keyboard.
Spittle along her cheek.

It does not take a genius to know she was poisoned.

We were careful to only remove evidence pertaining to us.
I cannot say exactly what.
Blame Tau.

After all, the police have a job to do.

Her assistant. That nice girl we met last time.
She saw her choking, spasming upon the desk.
She rang us first.

The concentration was high...
She died within minutes.

She was a banker.
She must have had enemies...
But since the whole Moriarty thing happened...
We are being extra careful.

And again,
mixed in with her perfume.
Death and Almonds.

Smells make me think about something.
Like I know that my brain is working upon it.
But my mind cannot understand what it is.
Like formulae in the eyes of a madman.

My mind has been slowed recently like that.

I did not know you well Mrs. Strauss.
But I suppose I must tell you to rest in peace.

Sunday, 22 April 2012

A distraction.

There has been a lot going on.
I have been too busy in the past few days.
Too much has happened for one post.

I met Swan,
or Ugly Duckling,
or Duckie.

I prefer Swan though.

Fracture and I had arranged this,
however I was unaware that Swan did not know.
This man who looked my age,
sat at a table with long hair covering the mask he wore.

He was different.
His need to see that spark in people.
That burning fire inside him.

It reminded me of that time Salome took me to a coffee shop.
The divorced husband.
The kill.
How she looked when she told me to kill.

She was family to me.
The closest thing to family I could have anyway.

West was with me,
Tau's reasoning was that he didn't want me going alone.
Just in case it was a trap.
Or that my backers didn't trust me still.

Either way, once we established identities,
we managed to elude West.

We did a host of things.

Talking, Fighting, Singing.
We both sing.
Our songs relax us.
London bridge and La, la la.

He made me smile for a little while.
Even though he was attacked.
And even though Theta took out his revenge on me.
Swan punched him...

I remember a call at 3 AM.

I had to leave my friend.

Caroline Strauss was dead.
The circumstances were suspicious.
She voted for my own termination.

I, along with the teams we were training,
were sent to clean up her mess.
Prevent police from tracking documents or such back to us.

I shall continue later.
Tau wishes for brief me with more information on what happened for release.

Sunday, 15 April 2012


I... I have so much to talk about.
But I just need to say one thing.
It is a small message to a woman who died recently.
A friend, a friend who had suffered so much.


See you in whatever comes after.
Those were Lucas' words but they feel appropriate.
Sleep well my friend.
I am glad you gave him hell.


I do not know what to say.

Wednesday, 28 March 2012


We wasted most of our time for the next three hours.
With them telling me to put on a suit.
With me refusing.
I have not worn a suit since the New Years Party at the cafe.

Considering what happened then,
I refuse to wear one again.

Eventually Theta just told me to wear a button up shirt and jeans.
It looked like they expected me to be well behaved.
And not to take my clothes off in front of whoever I was meeting.
(Which I threatened.)

We met up with Tau at the stairs.
He looked me up and down for a moment.
"Ok let's go."

We began to head down the stairs.
I tried to ask questions, but all they would say was
"They are not going to hurt you."

"And we'll be there to fix you up if they do."
Theta was uncomfortably close to my ear when he whispered that.
I must have flinched.
Because they both laughed.

Tau grinned at me, lighting up again.
"Don't worry... They are just going to review case files ask a few questions"
He patted my shoulder reassuringly.
"Determine your effectiveness and if they are willing to support you."

I paused.
"What if they do not?"

"They will."

We went out of the lobby.
We clambered into a car.
The three of us in the back,
West in the passenger seat.

We drove for a while in New York traffic.
We ended up outside a tall building.
Bigger than the Office.
Newer as well.

It looked like it was made of mirrors.
We walked inside into a bright lobby and were taken up an elevator
by a nice woman who smiled at me, leading me off to the meeting room.

There was a large oval table,
surrounded by chairs.
There were five people there.
Just from glancing I could tell they meant support financially.

It must cost a lot to keep people like me killing.

Three older men in expensive suits.
One younger man, and a woman.
One of them told me to sit on the other side.
Balding, glasses, the suit was tailored to hide his beer belly a little.

He glanced at Tau.
"So, Mr. Oak. This is the one Salome recovered?"
Another one, wearing a wig, but decidedly slimmer than the one
who probably puts too much bacon in his BLT.

"Doesn't look like much."

I started to stand and feel West's hand on my shoulder.
Tau shrugged. "You said the same about Salome, Smith."

The interview process was mostly like this.
Tau and Theta knowing what to say and when.
Me agreeing with most of what they say.
When I do not, I try and twist it to suit their needs.

Sometimes they talk of a Master.
I assume it is the blur I see.

Then they play a video.
It is camera footage of my first kill.

I watched.
I had not seen the camera.
Someone must have shadowed me.

I suppose it is possible.
She was with me a little after he died.

Smith looked at me.
"Do you regret it?"
I must have looked upset.
Tau spoke up, "I think Ember is sad that-"

I returned the favour, interrupting him.
"Every day. But there is nothing I can do.
Orders are orders. If there is one thing I can do.
It is follow orders."

The odd one out stood up.
He was young, wore a designer suit.
He grinned at me.
"Lucas was nothing but a manwhore.
Yet you mourn him?"

"Salome was nothing but a tool to you and I mourn her as well."

"Ahh, there's a difference. She stuck her neck out for you.
A couple of us were all for terminating you.
A failed experiment. She convinced us otherwise.
Now it is your turn to explain why you are not a piece of meat for the dogs like her."

Before West could stop me,
I was on my feet,
and I had punched him in the throat.

There was a stunned silence for a moment,
and then the others burst out laughing as west grabbed my arm.
As it turns out, that was the best move I could have made.
I thought he was going to break it, but he just sat me down again.

I watched him clutching his neck.
Gasping for air.
I could not help but smile.
"You doubt my ability to kill?
Have you even bothered to read my résumé?"

"And what a detailed résumé it is."
Smith looked at me for a moment, still trying to stifle his laughing.
"I like you Ember. But if you ever do that again.
We'll have no choice but to terminate you."

Theta grinned. "Do we have consensus?"

The younger man was properly stood up again.
He glared at me, rubbing his throat.
I shifted in case he was going to fight me.
West did not move his hand from my shoulder.

He held me down as the other moved to sit.

"One more question."
The woman looked at me.
She wore simple black attire.
"Why did Goldstein not kill you?"

I had not seen her smile at all.

Tau's face fell and he looked at me.
"I wish I knew. Salome was my friend.
Maybe they needed a messenger.
Someone to say how we were caught unprepared."

"And you were that person?"
She looked at me doubtfully.
"Could it be because of Elaine that you were saved?"

"Think about it, she met him.
And then a month later, you were spared.
It is common knowledge that you have been
with her, as a good friend, of course."

She added that on like she was joking.

"If she did then I owe her my life." I replied.

"Could you kill her?"

I could not afford hesitation.
"I could try."

I must have made a mistake.

She looked at me for a moment.
"My vote is for termination.
Ember is a liability to all of us."

The young man I punched gave a similar vote.

I fell silent.
My heart welled up in my throat.
I began to look for exits,
in case they decided to vote for my death.

I had a concealed knife stuffed in my boot...
I could probably bring West down and escape.

The other three voted for my backing.
The large man looked at me for a moment.
"You remind me of Salome you know.
You have the same spirit for the job,
only you have more respect for the dead."

"You are free to go."

We went back.
I was no longer under guard.
And finally I recieved orders.
I get to train people...

Volunteers from the paper pushing department.
Maybe these countermeasures will stop this happening again.
Though, having looked at them...
Maybe they are a little likely to die like Salome did.

But I remain hopeful.
It is my job now.

Tuesday, 27 March 2012

A Nightmare

Theta came to find me.
I had been locked in Salome and I's room.
I have been having nightmares.

Remember when I said I do not dream?
Not unless I kill myself.
Well... I have been.

They have been the kind where you wake up,
and you still believe it is real.

Walking in a park, hand in hand
with a familiar man who's name I cannot place.
Children are playing, singing London Bridge.
He looks at his watch.

He smiles at me, he says we're late for a meeting.
We begin to run.

I hear a crack.

His smile fades and he falls into me.

I cradle him until he dies.

I see Salome, walking toward us.
I am scared...
West tries to stop her.
His face is torn off.

The children have stopped singing.
They are staring at us.

Then she turns on me.
She has that razor blade I used on her.
She carves into my face, smiling.

I scream but the dream does not stop.

Yesterday, I awoke in the early morning.
Theta was at my bedside.
He tutted, like when Salome was injured.
"You thrash, you know."

replaced fear,
replaced with anger.

West was just behind him.
It seems they anticipated me.
That I would try and hurt him.
I would not give him the pleasure.

"Come on Ember. We need to get you ready."
A pause on my part.
"Ready for what?"

He smiled at me grimly.
"You have people who want to chat."
Suddenly the nightmares did not seem so bad.

Not so bad at all.

Saturday, 24 March 2012

A Mess

So it appears I have been mistaken,
West looking out for me was in fact West guarding me.

I tried to go for a walk outside for the first time in weeks.
West was there.
He grabbed my arm roughly.
Practically swung me back inside.

He told me that I was not to leave the building.
Otherwise he was allowed to make me suffer.

With me putting so much effort into avoiding people,
I did not realise that people were avoiding me.
It... It hurts.

It makes sense though...

I began to notice it.
People would look away,
move to the other side of the hall.
Not even David has come to see me.

Because of my mistakes...

Perhaps I have been fooling myself.

Maybe the one they actually liked was Salome.
I am just some outsider.

I tried talking to Tau.
He frowned.
"I think you should get going... 
Keep training until we need you."

Until we need you.

My partner dies and suddenly I am unneeded?
Surely with a monster like Moriarty around
I would be needed more than ever.

They never say it, 
but I know it is in their minds.
They ask in hushed whispers. 

"Why didn't Ember fight them?"

"Why didn't Ember protect her?"

I don't know

I dont fucking know

Wednesday, 21 March 2012

A Song and a Dance

I have to move out...
Too many people are looking for me right now.

Tau came to find me yesterday.
Sat me down on a battered old couch.
His office was a mess of papers.
Piles of them everywhere.

It was odd.
Comforting to be amongst the chaos.

He offered me a drink.
I declined.
"What are my orders?"
"You have none."

I was confused by that.
He sighed and poured himself one instead.
"Just sit tight until we need you."

"What am I to do until then?"
"I don't know. Learn to drive?
West told me he could teach you..."

If I had a drink, I would have choked.
"West spends most of his time teaching me unarmed combat."
I have not described him before, have I?

He's six foot six inches, 
hair cut to a fuzz on his round head,
and looks like he has too many muscles.

In unarmed combat, 
he is punishing in every sense of the word.
For example if he gets a grip on my wrist, 
my arm may as well already be broken.

He has choked me to death multiple times during "training."

The one time I won... I kind of cheated.
Tau would say I "Played possum."
It stopped being "unarmed training" 
when I lodged a hatchet in the side of his head.

Today he taught me to drive stick shift.
Well. He tried anyway.
The accelerator and clutch are annoying and I keep stalling.
I hate driving, but I need to learn.

I need to live up to Salome.

I need to.

Tuesday, 20 March 2012

A Calm before the Storm

I was curled up in the firing range.
A strange place to sleep, I know, but nobody uses it.
It keeps West from deciding to check up on me between weight lifting.
Sometimes I kind of think he believes guns are muscles.

Salome and I were the last partners still stationed here.
So we pretty much had everything to ourselves.
The rest of us... Bureaucrats really.
We have a dangerous job.

They have less of one...
Although I expect some will come to me.
Expect to be trained...
We shall see if they have the will to murder.

However it seems that Felix has found this spot.
Or who or whatever is delivering these letters to me.
Here it is.

"Dear Ember Fay.

As you surely recall, I told you I would conduct an interview with this man who goes by the name. "Ian McCormack."

Upon asking at the flats in the slums to which I was given an address, I was told that the fellow was still in residence by the landlord. There are reasons I avoid this area normally. It is simply the stench of refuse, of man and otherwise. Young children sleep on the streets amongst the filth.

The rich look the other way, but the poor have no other choice.

It is odd to me how such a man as who could enter one of the more flamboyant dens could be found here. But as I knocked on the door I realised.

This man was one who was truly changed by the loss of his daughter. The man who opened the door. He was but a shadow. Maybe a businessman once upon a time, but there and then he was a gin soaked wretch. He was unfortunate enough to have loved and lost.

"What do you want?" He asked me quietly.

"I am looking into the death of a woman."

"Please not Elisabeth, anyone but her." He took me by my lapel and pulled me inside.

"I heard tell of your daughter, I do not know if it is her. But there may be links between the young woman we found and your daughter." I pushed myself away from him. "Tell me, Mister McCormack. Did your daughter know of someone named 'Father?'"

"I do not know. She told me she had found a new family under a gentleman." He looked distraught, his hand moving to the half empty gin bottle. His floor was littered with them.

"Did you get a name for this gentleman?"

"Jack sir. Springheeled Jack." He took a long draught of the liquid, started to laugh. "A fairytale. A phantom of the night."

"I saw him Sir. He was at my daughter's window one night as she slept... I had taken to guarding her from this fiend after she was found with bruises as if she had been caned. He must have worn a mask. I saw none of his features. He said nothing. And then, one night..." He sat down upon the bed.

"I am to assume your daughters bedroom was high from the ground?" This was an interesting story from a man who's life may be better served in bedlam.

"Yes sir. And then... Then she left. I had allowed sleep to overtake me, and when I awoke I saw her. She was only fourteen... Sometimes I still see her... At my door like nothing ever happened." He started to sob.

"Please Mister McCormack. Tell me what happened and I shall leave you to your grief."

"I saw her awake, smiling. She looked at me as if I was not even there. There was a man, a tall man. I understand why she called him a gentleman, for those were his clothes. A black suite and tie, tailored to him. I... I cannot recall his face. It was night time, they escaped through the window" He frowned at me once more. "You believe me do you not? You believe me to be sane. Please tell me I did what I could. I am sorry Elisabeth, I am so so sorry." He lost control of himself, his head in his hands.

I am afraid this is all I could gain from him so I left.

All I see in this is the fact a girl found a lover and decided to elope. However the comparison of Springheeled Jack is genuinely interesting. Especially when you recall the man Fairy Fay described by the same name.

I believe I shall check up upon him again in the given future. Should he experience a similar untimely demise, I shall take his story seriously. Although if he does. I may worry for my own safety.

I await your orders.

Liberté. Égalité. Fraternité.

Jules Chénier"

Friday, 16 March 2012

Every Teardrop is a Waterfall

We are on our way to a kill.
We have stop in at a motel at about four or five PM.
Create a home base for the day.

It it is silent. Late night.
Salome tells me we were going.
We open the door.
We walkout onto the upper walkway.


Salome turns to the noise,
and so do I.

I feel an arm around my neck.
I elbow him in the ribs and trytriedtry to call out.
He stinks of cigarette smoke.

There are another two on Salome.

Three men.

They are in black,
even their faces are darkened.
They wear Military webbing.

All I see as I am pulled into our room...

I see her shot in the head.
M9A1 with a suppressor and flashlight attachment.
I would bet money nobody even heard it.

One of them catches her and drags her inside as well.
Closing the door.
One man tugs the gun out of my waistband
and lowers me onto the floor.

They are professional...
They knew we would shoot back if they came inside.
So they waited for us to come to them...


How was I so stupid?
W-Why did I think we were safe?
Just because of...

One of the men looks at me
curled up on the floor, and he speaks.
"Tell your order that Moriarty sends his regards.
Follow us and I will break your neck, Proxy."

They leave me unharmed,
he smiles at me as they do so.

So what do I do?
I run after them.
I tug the knife from under Salome's pillow.
I run out of the door.

I feel a hand on my chest.
I see a gun in my face.
"No. Bad dog."

He smiles at me again.

I look down.
I see a tired looking family clambering out of their car.

I do not wish to put them at risk.

I recoil.
I go and cradle Salome in my arms.
I hope she awakens tomorrow.
I know she will not.

I post.

A phone rings.
I am too busy holding her.
I let it go to answer phone...

After the tenth time I respond.

The voice on the phone is comforting.
"It's West. Do exactly as I tell you and you'll be fine." 
"Look kid, breathe before you pass out." 
"We can't leave her there and you can't stay forever."
"You know that black hoodie she has? Put it on her."

"Okay? Good. Now tug the hood up over her head, is the wound well hidden?"
"No? Ok you're just going to make sure no one sees you leave."
"Ember, I know it's difficult for you right now, but you need to calm down."
"Go outside first, open the back door of the car."

"Lift her up over your shoulder, and quickly take her outside. Try and be quiet as you can. Have her positioned so she is between you and anywhere that could pose a good position for as long as you can." 
"I assume you know Baker team came under fire from a sniper controlled by the fucker that did this."
"Once she's in the car, drive north to the next gas station up. We'll meet you there."
"You can't drive? She was supposed to- Nevermind. You've seen her drive yes? Fuck... You're lucky it's an automatic. Just get the hell out of there Ember."

He hangs up.

I sit in the drivers seat.
I turn the ignition.

The CD player comes on, Coldplay.

I turn the music up,
Got my records on.
I shut the world outside until the lights come on.

I turn the music off.
It does not help my mood.
I can't drive and cry at once.

I drive for what feels like miles.
We were supposed to be stopping at the motel, 
shooting the driver as they came in to rest.
I suppose that idea is moot now.

I watch the white rusty SUV drive past me in the other direction..

I wonder if they know how close they came.

I stop at the gas station. 
I tug a blanket out of the trunk and cover Salome with it.
It is 6 AM before they get here.

I must have fallen asleep.
I awaken only when West scoops me out of the drivers seat.
I say nothing. 
I just cling to him.

I listen to his warm voice soothing me.
His hand running through my hair.
Lying to me.
Telling me that it is all going to be okay.

He lets me sleep now.

And then,
two nights before now,
I watch a funeral pyre burning upon the rooftop of the building.
I hope she is in a better place...

The funeral is small,
a few people arrive.
I feel a hand upon my shoulder.
Murmured apologies for her loss.

But they did not like her.
No one really cared for her.
No one except me.

Tau and Theta are there.
Side by side.
Watching her burn.

I cry.
The words West says do not help.

Her bones have been processed.

I am given an black ceramic urn to take down the stairs.
Into the basement.
Into a long hall with shelves.
The walls are lined with the same urns.

I try and walk quickly.
But everything moves around me slowly.
Holding it with both hands,
I place it on an empty spot.

There are maybe a thousand urns just like hers.
Some are covered in dust.

I scratch her name,
into the stone shelf beneath it.

Salome Roux

Her name means peace.
Ironic. I know.
She would kick me if I said that aloud.
There was nothing peaceful about her.

West hands me a single stem.
Red snapdragons.
I lay it in front of the urn,
adjusting it until it looks right.

Then I turn to leave.

Partners are to the death.
I suppose much like marriage.
Only we were not bound by anything
other than the orders of Mother.

Salome once told me,
that our order numbered in the hundreds,
a little over a decade ago.

Now there are thirty.
No one will say why.
Is it just that we do not recruit anymore?

Why do we not recruit?
Why do we choose to allow this order to die?
I wish I knew.
I really do.

Tuesday, 13 March 2012

Oh my god she's dead.
fuck I shes dead dead
theyu killed her fuhk
executed her

dont come for me.
theycould still be there

dontstopsinging cantstop singing
I wantto kill him