"Let's go, Ember. You have a test to do."
Salome smiled at me.
Reassuring me, perhaps?
She doesn't ever smile.


That scared me more than
her usual cold self.
The hallways grew longer,
colder.


I passed unfamiliar people.
Some in street clothes.
Some in suits.
All of them looked withdrawn.


All of the life I felt in the world,
it was backwards here.


My breath frosted in the air,
joints slower as
I felt it seeping through
my clothes.


I kept looking at her expression,
she looked ill,
her skin looked grey,
her eyes tired.


She looked physically drained as we approached it.
I felt nothing.
And then we stopped.


A double door,
the wood engraved with patterns I cannot place.
"Are you ready?"
Her voice was trembling.


Fear.


She was afraid.


I was too just from that.


I was walked into a large room in the Office.
I had never been here before.
I could not see the ceiling through the darkness,
trees were painted along the sides.


The trees were spiraling, looking as
if they would suck me in.
The air was clammy,
like I was wading through it.


As I walked forward toward the other end of the hall.


It moved away.


I never reached it.

The walls stretched like springs.

I stared through the light.
Each beam seemed like a wall of
dark
light
dark
light


dark


The lights vanished.
I felt a presence.
A ghost.


By my shoulder.


I turned around.


Darkness.


I felt something brush against my back, behind me.


I drew my gun.


I shouted for whatever it was to show itself.


Darkness.
Became.
Light.


The room was empty,
no one was here.
The presence was here though.
Something was here with me.


I do not believe in ghosts,
but this was something.
You see movement
in the corner of your eye.


You try and focus on it,
but your mind doesn't process it.


It is just a blur.


I felt a hand on my shoulder.
I twisted and Salome was there.
In front of me.
She disarmed me.


She pointed the gun in my face,
a couple of steps back.
She said "What do you see?"


I... I was too scared.
She stared around.
Looking at a point over my shoulder.


I turn to look,
I followed her gaze.
I saw nothing.


I said so.


She looked at me for a moment,
and then back at that spot above my shoulder.


"There was nothing to see. The test was to study how easy it is to induce fear into you."
A lie.
She was too agitated to lie well.


She hugged me and returned my gun.
"Let's get out of here."
Never before have I seen
her in such a hurry to leave.

Rest In Peace

I drove to where I was to go.
It was cold.
It had a chill to it that bit at my fingers and toes.


I was told I had to kill someone named Lucas, one of the ones who "followed" me.
He and Joel were on the rooftop of an abandoned house in New York City.
I got to the door and watched them on the roof.


Lucas and I, we emailed, talked so much the past two weeks or so.
He told me about his life.
About Joel, and Wolf, and Scarves.
Apparently a young woman had knitted Joel and Lucas a pair of scarves.


Purple and Blue.


There was a taller man there,
olive skinned,
teeth sharpened to points.


Wolf.


He was flanked by two in black hoods.
Lucas took one out with surprising ease.
Joel shot the other.
There was a second gunshot from a second gun.


And then a reply.


Wolf died.
Wolf was born.
Joel turned on Lucas.


Betrayal.


Lucas fought with him.


Another gunshot.


Lucas screamed.
Joel fell down.
Lucas too.


Lucas stayed there for an hour.
Crying.
Sobbing.
Holding Joel.


Then he sat up.
Hands covered in blood.
Smearing it over his face as he rubbed his eyes.
Poor boy.


He reached into Joel's front pocket.
He started to type on his phone.


I put on my mask


I walked toward him slowly.
I sat in front of him.
My handgun rested upon my lap.


He looked at me for a moment.
Then back at the phone.
"Are you here to kill me, Ember?"
English accent, it reminded me of something I cannot remember.


I resisted the urge to think about my dreams.


"Yes I am, Lucas."


"Best birthday ever." He smiled bitterly at me.


"Just give me a chance to get affairs in order,
"post,
"let people know what happened to me. To us.
"I don't care now.
"I don't. It was just a big. Fucking. Joke to him."


I looked at Joel,
one shot in the chest.
He died shortly after.


Lucas started crying again.
The occasional sob, as he typed.
I asked him.
"Why do you want to die?"
He looked up at me.
"I don't, but if I try and run, or if I fight you. You will win and I'll die."


I fell silent.


"Even if Josh hadn't died and Joel had still betrayed me... I'd have kept going for him. But I have nothing."


He finally stopped typing on the phone, standing up and throwing it off the building.
"Goodbye cruel world." A weak chuckle.
"Kitsch I know, but I always wanted them to be my last words.
"Just... Make it fast. Ok?"


I took off my mask.
He straightened out Joel's hair and coat,
the tail of his scarf covering the bullet wound.
and then did the same to himself.


He moved to lay against his lover.
Taking his hand
and closing his eyes.


It is clear now why I was to kill him.
I liked him.
He listened to me.
We were... Friends.


"Ember... Do you see him?" Lucas asked softly.
"See who, Lucas?"
"Nevermind." His voice was weak, cracking again.


I touched his cheek.
I reassured him.
I told him it was going to be okay.
He was so scared of dying but he tried so hard to hide it.


I do not hate him.
Even when I placed two rounds into his back, I did not.


I could not bring myself to shoot him in the head.


I soothed him as he fell asleep.


I fell back, sitting there.
Staring at what I had done.


Salome sat next to me.
She had been following me.
We talked.
We stood up and we left.


I used a pay phone to report the shootings.
I did not want them to be left there unfound.


I am not Salome.


Salome told me I was stupid for doing that.
But I wanted them to be discovered.
Now she is taking me somewhere else tomorrow.
Somewhere new.


She says I am ready.
I hate myself.
How does that make me ready?
I just cannot get Lucas' acceptance of his fate out of my head.


Rest in peace Lucas, Joel, Josh and Wolf.


Maybe I will see you in whatever comes after.

Working with Salome.

Salome came to me three days ago.
I was shooting.
She placed a hand on my shoulder.
She told me to come with her on her next job.


I did not say because Salome said I could not.


So I did.
We were tracking someone.
A girl.
Blonde, tired looking.


Iron and steel will bend and bow...
As if she spent all her time running.
Her clothes were dirty and worn.


I only saw her from a distance.


Salome approached her in an alleyway.
Two seconds.


Bend and bow...
She fell over.
Salome slipped the knife into her pocket.
We walked quickly away.
She bled out.


Bend and bow...
I do not know her name.
Salome tells me she was dangerous to Mother.


I looked at her for a moment.
She was going to leave her to rot.
I said so.
She looked at me.


Bend and bow... 
"What can I do? Report it?"
She glared at me.
I fell silent.


Iron and Steel will bend and bow...
I return today.
I have seen a murder.
I feel guilty I did not say anything sooner.
But I do not want to die.


When I returned home,
I had two letters upon my pillow.
Waiting for my return.


My
The first one is dated the 4th January 1888.

"Dear Detective Charnier.

I am not one to send a message directly. But there are reasons that your relationship is not sanctioned. You are straying into things that Ember and such cannot know about if they are to continue serving our cause. You and I know that Father is dangerous, whoever he is. Especially after the kind of death Fairy Fay and John Smith suffered.

Yes. It is dangerous. But you serve me willingly. Knowing that I am not going to allow you to put others in danger through what you may find. Separating you from others in the organisation is something normal in regards to research of new potential allies or enemies.

Is that understood?

Your relationship with Ember is finished.

If you continue to try and communicate in that way, I will separate you personally.

Mother."

Fair

The second is dated 6th January 1888

"Mother, 

I hope this letter receives you well. I wish to say I understand and thank you for explaining when you did not have to. Ember's emotional stability is close to my heart as well, I would not like to hurt that. Not one bit.

I shall keep doing what I can, but it appears that people are not talking about Father. I am trying to get people to talk, but after the examples that were made of the last two, lips are tightly sealed.

However, I plan to delve into cases that are similar in circumstance to the two deaths that happened.

I shall keep in correspondence with you.

Detective Charnier."

Lady...

"Followers."

I check my email all the time.
I never have anything.
I do not know why people are reading this.
I only write this for myself.


Two hundred "views."


Maybe they think this is fiction.


Or maybe that I am mad.


It is not, and I am not.


Well.


I could be mad.


Saying I am not is something only a mad person would say.


This is all real to me.


The thought that this is a dream is dismissed by the fact
I feel so much pain.
Every cut,
every scrape,
every broken bone.


This is real.


Salome tells me that I must do something.
A task.
She tells me that by the time I know what it is.
I will have failed it.


Schrödinger's cat.


Why does it feel appropriate?

Do you know why, Mercedes, Mystery or Lucas?

Do you?

A memory

I awaken.


I get up.
Salome tells me that
I have something to do.


I follow her toward the storage room.
She gestures to the gun cabinet.


I look confused.


She tells me that
I have a job and to pick one weapon that feels right.


I say nothing and take the Glock 34,
I don't use guns,
I have never used a gun before.


She teaches me everything.
London Bridge is falling down
I hold it incorrectly.
She straightens my grip.
falling down
I accidentally hit the magazine release when reloading.


The magazine falls to the ground.
falling down
She corrects me.


I learn by example.


I get better, I shoot all the targets first try but one.


She tells me that I only killed one of them.
London Bridge is falling down
I practice harder.


My hands ache.


My arms ache.


She keeps me going. Telling me


I need to keep my rate of fire faster.


I get better.


She tells me that
I am to kill someone.
My
I refuse.


She points a gun at my head.
Fair
I laugh.


I tell her this is a loop.


She says. "What Loop?"
Lady.
Salome shoots me.


I wake up again.


I have training to do.

Dreams

I have never dreamed before.
Not that I can remember anyway.
I fell asleep.
I awoke.


It was simple.


Now it is not.
I do the same as what I did the day before.


When my training is over for the day.








I kill myself.








I do not wish to die.
I am not suicidal.
But the dreaming has become something...
Something I need to do.


An addiction.


Salome tells me that it is like a deaf person listening to music.


Pointless.


Tomorrow she will stop me.
Today, she shall not.
I will not let her.


She tells me I am getting stronger.


She tells me that I am almost ready.


I shall reply tomorrow.

Build it up with Iron and Steel...

London Bridge.

Yesterday I did what I tried before..
I cannot believe it.
I still cannot.


I put a gun to my head during target practice.
Glock 34.
The gun that felt natural for me to shoot.


I looked at Salome for a moment.
She stared at me blankly.
"You expect me to stop you shooting yourself?"
Salome chuckled.


I pulled the trigger.


I pulled the trigger and I dreamed.


I dreamed of a man who I did not recognize.








A top hat...








A pocket watch...








We are late








We are running.








I do not see what.








I hear a crack behind me.








Children singing.








Laughing

London bridge is

falling

down

falling

down

falling

down

London Bridge is

falling

down.

My Fair Lady.

Over. 

And over 

and over again. 

And then I awake...

It is morning.

Everything hurts.

Death.

Salome and I were fighting yesterday...
It's difficult to call it sparring when you're using real weapons.
I stabbed her in the gut.
She actually smiled at me as she fell over.


I caught her.


I felt warm liquid over my fingers.
Sticky.
I can't get it off,
I can feel it there,
all over my hands.


I panicked.
I had killed her.


And then this morning.
I awoke.
She was up already,
watching me sleep.


She told me this was a "Loop."
That "Rules work differently here."


Dying in this Loop is not dying in real life.


I asked her if that was like my home.


She nodded.


I had so many questions to ask, she did not answer me.


Why do I forget so much at my home but remember this?
Who am I?
What is my name?


I do not even know if Ember Fay is my real name,
or if they belong to the addressee of these letters.


I suddenly pulled the gun to my own head during target practice, she just shrugged.
"All I have to do is take you outside and you can die properly."


So I am not immortal. Just stuck like before.


I think I understand...

It has been a while.

There has not been much to talk about.
On here at least.
I have no time to myself.
Salome has me run ragged.


Salome says that is a good thing.
That I am just a puppet for Mother.
That it is easier to kill on orders.


So when she tells me to take the day off,
as she is on an... An assignment.
I find another letter upon my chest,
I am uncertain of what to think.


I sit down,
I get some food and water.
I open it up and I read it.
And then I type it up on here.


It is dated December 30 1887

"Mother,

This is the first time I have messaged you directly. It is a pleasure to serve the cause and any assistance I can provide is all I can do. Ember Fay is a skilled agent, however I can serve you better than most. I have access into locations few know about.

I was talking to my contact about "Father." He is an interesting fellow who goes by the name Mordicai who runs an opium den. I came up with something that could be of interest. The name has been spoken before in the underworld here. Often with hushed voices. Some say he is a killer, others say he is a leader of a cult. If you ask ten people, you recieve ten different answers.

But if we take Springheeled Jack over in the cells into account, in particular the fact he was... dismembered whilst in solitary confinement, along with the murder of Fairy Fay, who only I spoke to in our investigations. I am inclined to believe that this is a group of people. Possibly a cult with members within the constabulary.

I shall keep you informed, Mother, of any discoveries that may be of interest to your person.

Also, I must beg your forgiveness in these matters, I would like to further correspondance to Ember Fay... I believe our relationship needs to be sanctioned, at least to the degree where we can send corrispondances between ourselves, if not in person.

Please consider what I said, I am very much in love with Ember. It is not agreeable to have such a relationship broken apart so soon after it became fledgeling.

Jules Charnier"


I destroy the letter and then I post this.
Salome seems to be alright with this
as long as she does not see the letter.
I am uncertain as to why.


She is harsh, soulless sometimes.
And I know she will kill me if I do not do this.
But I am training.
I do not know if I can kill.


But I am training.


Ember Fay