A long time

How long has it been?

West is dead.
Broken neck.

Tau is dead.
Stabbed in the heart

Theta is dead.
Heart failure due to exhaustion.

I am alive.
In the office.

Alone.

I walk the stairs sometimes.
I hear what still is a blur around me.

Like white noise,
a humming in your ear.

London Bridge
is falling down.

I asked so many questions at the start:

"Who am I?"

"Where am I?"

When really I should have asked:

"How old am I?"

The first letter I received was dated 1887.
That would make me... 127 years old at least.

But as far as living?

Sixteen years since then
and just over a year here.

At least I believe it is just over a year.

Even after gaining control;
loops are strange,
especially when you are alone.

You see, this organisation.
Our backers.

The Gentleman.

The Gentleman has decided that
there will always be a Mother.

Even when I killed every single member like I was asked.
there is always one left.

Me.

But that doesn't matter.

Before I killed Tau
he handed me a letter.

Well.

He handed me two. The first was dated January 11th, 1888.

"Dear Mother. 

As I am certain you are aware, and despite the gunshot wound you left me with, I had my final meeting with Father and we came to an arrangement. I am hereby promoted to the rank of Tau, and establish Mr. Edward Smith of Santa Fe County to function as Theta. As such, your presence is no longer required. 

Enclosed is a phial of a white powder, I am assured that by the end of this letter you will be ingesting it. My assistant is currently at your shoulder, in fact, his hand is holding you there, isn't he? 

You will no longer read this letter, though I am sure that Ember will. 

When you are finished with your job, Ember. Please put him to bed. I shall be joining you in America shortly, please report to the Santa Fe office and I will meet you there. 

Yours,  

Tau"

The second was dated a couple of months later I think.

"Ember, I have proposed an experiment to you. I cannot order you to do it, but it is the last thing I can do after your partner was executed.  

I am finding it difficult to focus.  

Father occupies my thoughts, my dreams, he knows of you but I want to try and save you, give you a chance to leave this order in a way that you cannot die for. 

There is a house, a cottage. It is looped in a way that will make you forget that Father even exists.  

It will make you forget everything, even your name. 

Maybe then, when this is all over, I can release you. Help you remember who you are and what you mean to me. 

Tau"

I made my way to the top of the office,
it is a hard climb that feels like it goes on forever.

Floor after floor

after floor

after floor.

I made it though and walked into a room
I saw the last letter of Jules Chenier. Dated; September 20th 2001.

"Hey Ember.  

I'm so sorry. I haven't visited you for fifty whole years. He was in my head and I had to keep the order running and I just... 

I just forgot. 

I brought you something, a computer. I don't know if it would work, and I don't know if you'd remember me, but I spent a week teaching you how to use it. You probably won't remember me. You never do remember me. But you seemed to be okay learning how to do the basics. 

I... May be taking you out soon. Theta has begun to find out about you. He runs the proxies and someone like you... A proxy who isn't controlled by Father. Who can't even see him. 

It is useful to him and I can't stop him if he decides to. Not on my own. 

I have a plan though. A plan to end it all and in the coming time, I will need your help. 

~Tau."

When I read the last one.
It all became clear to me.

That was what I was.
A proxy's proxy.

I did the blurs bidding without even knowing about it.

And now I do?
I don't care.

I am not afraid.

So today I will leave the office.

The office that has trapped me for so long.

I will go
             down
                      the
                            stairs.

And I will open the door.

I am Ember Fay

and I am Mother

and I am grief

and I am love

and I am free.

A Proof of Concept.

I awoke in the early afternoon.

to the sound of fighting outside in the snow.

Two men arguing over who should be partnered up.

Then punches got thrown.

I looked at them, 

looked at West.

We both walked through the gathering crowd.

I stepped between them.

I told them that there are no partners.

No secrets.

Someone screamed why they thought I should be in charge.

After what happened with Duckie.

After I killed someone who was close to all of us.

One of them draws a knife to stab me.
I kill him.
I said I felt stronger now.
I have told them all before.

I say that I will free them.
And I will do that.
But is not a democracy.

It is my way or the road.

No more half measures.
No more assassination attempts.
Theta, either come and face me.
Or we will come and find you.

A Little to Report

We keep moving.
We keep fighting.
I understand though.
He has control of the loop.

We can just wait until he runs out of mooks.
Or those mooks decide to join us.
Any war is one of attrition.
That is what this is.

I am being melodramatic.

No... No I am not.

None of what happened before has happened.
I have been coping otherwise.
I still cannot focus on the thing I call "blur."
I am uncertain if it is fear of pain or a physical limitation that stops me.

Salome taught me with knives.
The trick being to cut them many times.
Then go for the killing blow when they cannot resist.

It is odd not ignoring that and going for the quickest option.
A quick death feels more humane.
Though the idea of being humane does not fit with this.
It is not one person, but an order we must kill...

If duc



Nevermind.

An Absence

I fell asleep.
I went crazy
and violent
and then I fell asleep.

At least that is what McKay tells me.

Every time they moved.
I would start murmuring something.
And then I would sleep again.

"Ember. I love you Ember."

Not Duckie's voice.
Someone elses.
Tau's?
Jules?

Too much to think about.

He told me.
That was my last memory.
He told me I was Ember from the past.
He told me he was Jules.

Jules Chenier.
He gave me one last letter.

Then I killed him.
I...
He asked me to kill him.
Why did I kill him?

I feel stronger now.

A kitten.

West does not wish me to tell you this.
But he has a weakness for cute animals it seems.
A few days ago I heard a mewing from the alleyway.
And there it was, a kitten.

A white and ginger ball of fluff.
Maybe two months old?

West took it in,
looked after it.
I do not think it likes me.
It scratched me.

So we have a pet.

I call it cat.
West calls it...
I do not recall what West calls it.
He calls it something else anyway.


I do not like cats much.
They play with their food.
I prefer animals that go for the throat.
A quick death is better than a laboured one.


Oh.

Also I was attacked
when I found the kitten.
Tore the stitches in my belly.

I do not recognise the attacker.
It was someone new,
maybe someone who thought
that a kitten is a perfect trap.

And it was a very good one.

We have moved on now.

A loss

I have been through a lot.
I have killed to survive.
I have killed for others.
I have killed for myself.

Tau came here.
Met us.
He looks ancient.
He is balding, weakened greatly.

It is like he is withering away since he left the office.

I have to help him stand.
I asked him why he sent the letters.
That was what West told me.

He knew.

Tau said "To get you to know you."

A killer. To get me to know a killer.
Me.

I asked him who was Jules.
But he would not answer.

Whilst I was asleep,
wounded,
my duckling had gone off.
He was attempting to kill the highest.

He succeeded and he paid for it.
He paid for it with his life.

It is amusing.
Our plans are somewhat the same.
Only our outcomes will be so different.
They must.

I do not wish to die.
But serving the blur gives only one end.
I... It is getting less difficult.
I sometimes hear it said.

Normally it is garbled,
but if I listen hard.
Focus.
Sometimes they say "Sle





































West here, we were downstairs when Ember just screamed like a fucking howler monkey, went foetal on the bed and passed out. McKay can't explain it. We talk about... Upper Management in a different name and Ember suddenly looks distracted. Calls it a humming in his ear, like a fly bouncing around in your brain.

I don't think it is safe for Ember to use that name. Tau said it happened last time.

Gotta go, Tau's calling a meeting. I'm not giving numbers, but more come each day.

None of us want to kill any more. None of us want to place our partner's ashes with the thousands that lie there already.

Ember's stable. McKay, he chose the new name so we can call him something, fixed the kid up. Apparently he keeps holy water and prayer and shit like that for instances like Ember's wound. Still no news on Tau.

Bye